Blog post written by Jessica McAllister
“I am my eating disorder” A mindset I’ve had to and am still straying away from today. Looking back at my teen years diet culture had, and still sometimes can have a firm hold on me. Everything I did revolved around food, meal planning, cheat days. For a while it was dieting, and “healthy swaps” and taking the stairs, and not eating at certain times. Spending hours online looking for a miraculous “quick fix” that I believed would somehow make all of my problems go away. I’m now 26, and just finally realizing that my disorder was about more than just a number on the scale, meal plans, calories, and the pursuit of thinness. Don’t get me wrong, those things are big. Huge even. They were my friend as well as my worst enemy. I’ve always felt like the only one who has had this “weird” way about them. I love food, but it scares me. I believe everyone is beautiful no matter their size… except for myself of course.
“I guess the point that I’m trying to make is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Finally, I am in the midst of beginning to see it. My god is it beautiful.”
Why is it that I have struggled to learn what my ED team calls “self compassion” It almost feels like a foreign concept to me. Does it mean I am to feel sorry for myself, and or wallow in self pity? Somehow that doesn’t seem right. It’s taken until now.. at a ripe age of 26 to realize what my mental health team was talking about when they were trying to tell me to have self compassion. Really it’s okay! It’s a powerful thing, when you’re able to look at yourself in the mirror and accept that things will NOT be perfect. Accept that you WILL make mistakes, and to know that it’s okay! You may have been told this once or twice, but the road to recovery is not linear. Boy is that the truth. I’ve struggled on days…weeks, months even. Struggled thinking that I was in a more unstable, fragile place than ever. Comparing my recovery journey to others, not feeling “sick enough” as if it would earn me some sort of metal badge if I was the smallest and sickest in the room.
Here I go again, hesitating to continue writing because I feel like I’m getting nowhere. I’m distracted, this isn’t good enough, and how could anyone possibly relate to all my “crazy” “muffled” thoughts? Is there really any point to my writing this? Well yes, because it doesn’t have to be perfect, or make sense for it to be valid. This is how I have felt, and this is where my disorder has brought me, and this is all okay. And guess what, I bet just one person can relate.
Part of recovery for me has been to realize that things don’t have to be just right to be worth doing, or perfectly in place before I start something. Not everyone is going to relate to your story, but that doesn’t make yours or theirs any less real, and definitely doesn’t take away from the validity of it. I guess the point that I’m trying to make is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Finally, I am in the midst of beginning to see it. My god is it beautiful.
There is something powerful about food freedom, body positivity, and true happiness. I found that the first two concepts presented me with the happiness I’ve been searching for my whole life. I wasn’t happy at my sickest point, but I am truly starting to feel happy now. I’m starting to feel excitement about the future. I am able to eat socially and actually look forward to events. Whodathunkit? I’m able to enjoy hobbies and concentrate on other things. My eating disorder no longer consumes me. My relationships have improved, my quality of life has increased, and it may sound cheesy but I actually kind of feel unstoppable. Fighting an eating disorder is a lot easier said than done. At the same time, fighting an eating disorder has made me the strong woman that I am today, and knowing that I’ve almost made it through is the best feeling in the world. Just remember, that if you’re reading this. You are NOT alone, there IS help available to you, you are absolutely BEAUTIFUL, and most DEFINITELY worth it.